


Solace

by Khylara



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:53:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21689386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khylara/pseuds/Khylara
Summary: speed gives Horatio what comfort he can after Chaz's arrest.
Relationships: Horatio Caine/Tim Speedle
Kudos: 7





	Solace

Title: Solace  
  
1st person POV/Speed is "speaking"  
  
***********  
Solace  
-Khylara  
  
When Horatio asked me to make him a copy of that meth head's ramblings, I knew something was wrong. Chaz had gotten under his skin somehow, but I knew better than to ask questions. Getting him to admit personal stuff is practically impossible on a good day; this hadn't been one of those.  
  
Because of that, though, I knew where to find him when he didn't answer his cell.  
  
I picked my way through the sand dunes by his house, a blanket over my arm. The full moon overhead bathed the beach in silver light, but I didn't need it to see where I was heading. There's a secluded little spot not too far from Horatio's back door; he had shown it to me a few weeks ago and we had ended up making love there in broad daylight. Luckily for the both of us Horatio lives on just about the only piece of deserted beachfront in Miami.  
  
Sure enough, he was there. He was sitting on the sand, his chin resting on his clenched hands resting on his knees and staring blankly out at the water. And even though it was a warm night after an equally warm day, he was shivering.  
  
I swallowed hard. he looked so lost sitting there. Lost and alone and in so much pain...  
  
Well, I could do something about the alone part. "Hey," I said loud enough for him to hear; I didn't want to startle him unneccessarily.  
  
He turned toward me, his blue eyes wide with surprise. "Hi." he sounded surprised, too; had he honestly thought I wouldn't come looking for him after not getting an answer on his cell? Especially after today? "I thought you went home."  
  
"I did," I said, coming closer. "Tried calling you and I didn't get an answer."  
  
He turned back to face the water. "Cell's back at the house."  
  
He was still shivering, so I shook out the blanket and put it over his shoulders. "Want some company?" I asked softly, hopefully. I didn't want to leave him like this, but I would if he asked me to.  
  
He looked back up at me. "If it's you."  
  
That sent a warm feeling through me. Horatio is very private; he doesn't like anyone seeing him in pain. "I'll tell the marching band to go home, then," I said, trying to lighten things a little. He gave me the faintest ghost of a smile, but then I hadn't expected more.  
  
I sat down next to him and took both of his hands in mine. "God, you're freezing," I muttered, rubbing them a little. "How long have you been out here?"  
  
He shrugged. "Awhile." There was a pause. "I just...I had to get away."  
  
I knew what he meant by that: away from work, from home, from any reminders of his brother, his loss. I did the same thing not too long ago. It's harder for Horatio, though. He was born here, lived in Miami all his life. The memories run deeper for him and they're everywhere, making it almost impossible for him to get away and forget.  
  
"I let him get to me," he continued softly. "Shouldn't have. Shouldn't have let that little...see how it got to me...what he said." He let out a ragged little sigh and closed his eyes. "Couldn't help it."  
  
"Of course you couldn't," I said quietly. I had been behind the glass, watching Chaz's last interrogation. Horatio had come dangerously close to losing his iron will control. I couldn't blame him for that; if it had been me, I would've sent the guy through a wall and to hell with the consequenses. "The bastard was talking about your brother."  
  
"Don't want to believe him...the things he said...the things he wrote," he went on. "God, Speed, I still miss him so much. I don't want to."  
  
"Then don't." I made my voice as firm as I could. "You knew your brother better than anyone. Certainly better than a zoned out meth head trying to save his own ass." I tightened my hold on his fingers. "Don't give that piece of garbage that kind of power over you. He's not worth it."  
  
"But...but what if it's true?" he looked at me and in the dim light I could see tears shining in his eyes. "It could be. The last few months...he kept missing check-ins...and when he did, he was different. Everyone thought it was just the stress of being undercover for so long...away from his family." A single tear slid down his cheek. "He always said...not to worry. That he was fine. That he could...handle it."  
  
"And maybe he was fine," I said, trying to give him some reassurrance, something to cling to. Oh, God, I hated seeing him like this. It was so unlike how he usually was. "You know how unpredictable undercover is. Maybe he couldn't make the meets for some other reason." I paused. "H, please...don't do this to yourself."  
  
"Should've seen," Horatio continued. "He was my brother. I should've seen if something was wrong. Gotten him pulled..."  
  
"Would he have let you?" I countered gently, rubbing his hands. They were still so cold. "Or would he have told you to butt out, that it was his case and you weren't even on Narco?"  
  
There was a pause. "Told me to butt out," he finally said. "That was the one thing he hated, if he thought I was overprotecting him."Another ghost of a smile. "Hard habit to break."  
  
"Older brother's job," I said, smiling a little as well.  
  
"Yeah." He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut against any more tears. "Oh, God...I don't want to believe that he could...He was my little brother, Speed. A good man...a good father. He had everything...beautiful wife, a son, a career he was proud of, good at." He let out another deep, shuddering breath. "Why would he turn his back on it all for a high? For a goddamned high?"  
  
"You don't know that he did," I repeated. "Chaz could've made up all that just to get under your skin. You know that."  
  
"But...his writing, too?" He turned to look at me. "Why would he lie?"  
  
"Why would he tell you the truth?" I countered softly. I reached over and brushed away the tears streaking his cheeks. "Who knows what that wasted meth head was trying to do?"  
  
"But...if he was...if it was the truth..." He shook his head in denial. "It would mean that it was all a lie. Everything."  
  
"Not everything," I murmured. "Not the important things." I moved closer, slipping an arm around him as I nuzzled his bright hair. "Ray was still your brother. He still loved you. You have to believe that, even if you can't believe anything else." I brushed a kiss along his hairline. "Chaz was so high on tina that he probably didn't know what he was saying. And it could've been someone else. Anyone else. Not your brother."  
  
"My head keeps telling me that...not to believe what he said. And my heart wants the same thing. But the evidence is all there." he paused. "What if Ray was...what everyone says he was?"  
  
"They're just words, Horatio," I said softly. "They can't hurt him anymore. And they can't hurt you, either, unless you let them." I paused, trying to find the right words. "You know what kind of a man your brother was. The hell with what everyone else thinks."  
  
My words didn't have the effect I thought they would. I had been hoping for another sad little smile, another comment about Ray being a good man. The last thing I expected was for Horatio to start sobbing in my arms.  
  
A cold chill hit me in the pit of my stomach at the sound of those harsh, soul-tearing sobs. "No. Oh, God, H...don't. Please don't cry." I pulled him even closer, cradling him, blinking back my own tears. I didn't know what else to do. In all the time I've known him I've never once seen him break down until now.  
  
He cried for I don't know how long, clinging to me like a lifeline, his face buried in my shoulder, scaring me like nothing else. Finally, he quieted, swiping at his red-rimmed eyes, sniffling. "Sorry," he muttered.  
  
"Shh. No sorry, okay?" I kissed his bright hair. "Nothing to be sorry for." My hand ran up and down his back as I tried to rub the tension away. Horatio was practically rigid with it. "A little better?"  
  
"A little." he admitted. "I don't know if it'll ever be all better. Maybe once I know the truth...what really happened...why he died. I don't know." There was a pause. "I don't even know...if I want to."  
  
I could understand that. Chaz had done a good job of shaking Horatio's faith in his brother. The truth could destroy it completely. "You could always just let it lie," I said, playing devil's advocate. He was in so much pain from this already; why look for more?  
  
He shook his head immediately, like I knew he would. "No, I have to find out, and not just for me. Yelena and little Ray...they lost him, too. They deserve to know the truth. Even...even if it's bad."  
  
I couldn't help frowning a little at that. Deep down I knew that if Horatio ever did find out the truth and it WAS bad, Yelena and little Ray would never know. He'd never tell them, protecting the last of his family and taking on all the burden, the heartache on himself. He's done it before, shielding those he loves. And I know for Ray's sake, he wouldn't hesitate to do it again.  
  
As I was contemplating all this, Horatio suddenly let out a sigh, closing his eyes. "God, I'm tired," he confessed in a small voice.  
  
I checked my watch: it was well past midnight and it had been a long few days. I knew how well he had been sleeping since all this began, how bone-tired exhausted he had to be. "C'mon, H, let me take you home so you can get some sleep." I kissed him again. "Please?"  
  
He didn't argue, didn't protest. He just nodded, his eyelids drooping, the bruises of fatigue already dark under his eyes. He let me help him to his feet and lead him back to the house, even allowing me to practically force an entire cup of tea down his throat in spite of how much he hates the stuff. But he needed something warm - he was still so cold - and the tea was the decaffinated spicy-sweet kind guarranteed to help him sleep.  
  
He balked, though, when I steered him to the stairs. "No," he muttered, shaking his head.  
  
I frowned. A stubborn Horatio was the last thing I needed. "You need to sleep, H," I coaxed, tugging on his hand a little.  
  
He didn't budge. "No." He looked at me with pleading eyes. "Can't. Nightmares."  
  
"Oh." Thinking fast, I came up with an alternative. "The couch then? Will you lie down on the couch if I stay with you?"  
  
After a moment, he nodded and I led him into the living room. Sitting down on the leather sofa, I gently pulled him down with me until he was stretched out and his head was on my lap. "There. Okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess." He sighed as I began carding my fingers through his disheveled hair. "That's nice."  
  
I couldn't help smiling down at him. He was exhausted, the poor baby. And who wouldn't be? "Yeah, it is."  
  
He suddenly tightened his hold on me. "Don't leave," he breathed. "Just...don't leave."  
  
I swallowed hard and leaned down to kiss him. There was so much need in that little whisper. So much pain. "I won't, I promise," I whispered. "Okay, H? I promise, I won't ever leave you."  
  
"You will," he murmured. "Everybody does...you will, too." There was a pause. "Just...not like Ray. Please, Speed?" His voice broke. "Not like Ray."  
  
"I promise," I breathed, kissing him again, brushing away the tears that were slowly sliding down his cheeks. "I love you, Horatio. I won't ever leave you. Ever. Shh, now," I crooned, going back to stroking his hair. "Try to sleep. I'm right here. I'll always be here."  
  
I kept murmuring to him until he finally drifted off, his face once again wet with tears and a sad little frown marring his features. I didn't know what else to do, so I did the only thing I could - I held him for the rest of the night, offering him what solace I could in the form of my presence, my love. Hopefully it would be enough for the time being.


End file.
